You’ve just got engaged, it’s a lovely time to celebrate and everyone gets excited asking you questions about your wedding. That is until you start getting those awkward Dad questions.
My dad passed in 1998 when I was 9. Nearly 22 years later you would have thought I’d learnt to live without him. And where for most of my life, I have, planning your wedding brings back all of those memories and reminds me he just won’t be there.
But here I am planning my wedding without him. Deciding how I’m going to walk down the aisle. Avoiding the father/daughter dance all whilst ensuring my guests do not feel sorry for me. And just like that, all my suppressed feelings and anger are drawn to the surface taking me back all those years ago where I was unable to mention the word ‘Dad’ without falling into tears.
I’ve cried more since I started planning the wedding than I have done in the last 20 years. Failing to understand how he won’t be there. I won’t have that photo when the Father sees his daughter in a wedding dress for the first time. I won’t have that pride as he walks me down the aisle. And I won’t have that opportunity to dance with my father (ever) again.
I have no idea how I will make it through my actual wedding day, this blog itself has taken days to write as I collapse into a heap of emotions trying to write it through my blurry teary eyes. All I know is that I have to. Thankfully I have the utmost confidence in my bride squad to get me down that aisle, re-do my make up as many times as required, give me a few mental face slaps when needed and when allowed, have the biggest Oscar winning emotional breakdown where I can release all my anger and question why my father was not at my wedding.
“Those we love don’t go away, they walk beside us everyday. Unseen, unheard but always near, still loved, still missed and very dear. “
Where do I go from here? Well that’s the ultimate question. And one that I don’t have the answer to. I will continue to push through my wedding planning whilst having my emotional breakdowns secretly in the shower and I will continue to rehearse the lines when people ask those awkward Dad questions.
I want to have my Dad present at my wedding somehow, but not too much that it feels like a memorial to him. I will persist scrolling through Pinterest and Instagram until I find something that works well for me, but please feel free to provide any suggestions.
Writing this blog has been one of the hardest things I’ve done for a while. If you’ve lost anyone close to you and feel you can relate, let me know. You’re never on your own.
The Woof Wedding 
Beautifully written. Crying AND laughing at your bride tribe mentally face slapping you.
It hurts to know that I’m not alone, to know that ANYONE has to feel this pain, and to have the shitty top trumps game of “my dead dad” its a shit place , my humour is dark and its definitely a coping mechanism.
Thanks for sharing. It definitely helps to see that I am “normal” in my thoughts
The photos are fab 🤍
Love to you xxx
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